The Most Human of All Behaviours: Asking For Help

Why is it so difficult?

This week, I received a lesson on vulnerability.

I was away in Mexico, completing open-water scuba dives to earn my PADI certification in time for my Wayfinders event in Papua New Guinea in late March.

After my fourth dive, I was enjoying some downtime when a message came through on my phone.

Crisis at home.

I won’t bore you with the details, but to make a long story short, I could not deal with it remotely, and flying home that day (it was already late afternoon, and all the east coast-bound flights had departed) was impossible. Switching my flight to the following day (Sunday, the most expensive day to fly) was very costly.

The feasible best I could do was come home two days later. In the meantime, the crisis had to be dealt with.

Help is not a four-letter word

Yes, technically, it is, but you get what I mean.

Somewhere along the line, over the past couple of hundred years or so, particularly in the last fifty, we have developed a cult of individuality. We venerate the lone hero/heroine, going it alone against the world.

Think Marlboro Man or any of Ernest Hemingway’s protagonists. They are the strong, silent type who rarely lean on others.

We worship the idea of the self-made man or woman and hold it up as an ideal to strive for.

We villainize asking for help, as if to do so is to appear weak.

Going it alone sounds poetic and appealing, except for a tiny fact… it goes against hundreds of thousands of years of human history and our brain chemistry.

We humans need each other. We rely on each other. We feel good when we rely on and help each other.

Asking for help and giving it is the most human of all behaviours.

Sending out the bat signal

So, it was time for me to practice what I preach. I needed help.

Even though I often speak about asking for help, it was not easy for me. I, too, carry the internalized message that asking for help is equivalent to being a burden.

I could feel the resistance, but I had no other choice. This request felt very vulnerable, and I didn’t like needing help.

I sent out some messages, and within minutes, I was on the phone with a couple of close friends.

I asked them for help. It wasn’t a huge ask, but it wasn’t a small one either.

Both stepped up and offered their assistance without hesitation. Within 30 minutes, two other friends responded with offers to help.

In the end, the crisis was managed beautifully by my friends.

I want to use this example to underscore two important ideas about asking for help. I hope that this story and these ideas will help you overcome future reticence about asking for help.

Asking for help is a gift to others

I realized a few years ago that asking for another’s help is often a beautiful gift.

People like helping. They like being helpful. It’s a default human condition. Over thousands of years, we’ve needed to rely on each other to survive, and as a result, our neurochemistry has evolved to respond positively to offers and requests for help (oxytocin is one of the primary neurochemicals involved).

When I ask someone for help, they experience being helpful. Feeling helpful is one of the best stimulants for a positive mood and feelings of purpose and fulfilment. They see themselves in a slightly more positive light (“I’m a helpful person.”)

Rather than seeing my requests for assistance as a burden, I now frame it as a gift.

The key, of course, is to be appropriate with your requests. Asking a casual acquaintance to spend a weekend helping you move houses is mismatching the ask and the relationship; likewise, asking your good friend to help you paint a bedroom once is a reasonable ask - asking them to do your house chores every week is taking advantage.

An appropriate ask, however, can be a beautiful thing.

Asking for help deepens bonds

Asking for help also has the potential to deepen a relationship. In this case, my bond with these two people is already quite strong, but this ask did two things:

1. It signalled to them that I trust them enough and feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable to make such an ask.

2. It was also a signal that they can make equivalent, reciprocal asks for my help in the future, which makes them feel like they can rely on me - a strong indicator of the depth of a relationship.

Both have the potential to deepen a bond. The ask says to the other person, “I value our relationship enough to feel comfortable requesting help, and I hope you feel the same.”

Revolt Against the Cult of Alone

I hope this story and these ideas will play a small part in helping you pierce the veil of individuality and chip away at the Cult of Going It Alone.

Next time you’re struggling or need help and find yourself making a convincing argument that you don’t need it or that asking for help is burdensome, remember the power of asking another for help, the gift you give them, and the opportunity to deepen a relationship.

And please let me know how it goes.

Yours,

Mike Brcic

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