Restoring Connection, Vol III: Connection to Self (part 2)
The second half of my post about reconnecting with self, part III of a 9-volume series about restoring connection in our world
This is the third in a nine-part mini-series about restoring connection in our world and why and how disconnection is at the heart of so many of the grand issues of our time. If you haven’t already, check out the series introduction and table of contents:
This post is split into two parts - I suggest you read part 1 first.
In the first half of this post, I wrote about why reconnecting with one’s self is so important, and how to develop an awareness of the various ways we have become disconnected from ourselves. In this post, I’ll share some practical tips and tools for restoring connection to self.
Restoring Connection to Self: Some Tools
The following are a few tools that I have used to restore, nourish and maintain my connection to myself.
Like any practice, they are most powerful when they are done consistently - but don’t let perfect be the enemy of good! Do what you can, and aim for consistency over time. Work at establishing one practice as a daily habit and then, if and when it’s consistent, consider adding another.
Self-inquiry
Self-inquiry - the act of asking ourselves tough and insightful questions, and answering them honestly - is simply taking the previously-mentioned process of awareness a step deeper and getting more specific about the ways in which we have been dishonest with ourselves and have abandoned our authenticity.
To use a previously-mentioned example, becoming aware that we have hidden the part of ourselves that used to love to sing can be the catalyst to rediscovering our love of singing, perhaps through joining a choir, taking a singing class, taking lessons, etc.
This helps to re-integrate a valuable part of ourselves and this forward momentum can then help us develop the courage to keep with this process in other aspects of our lives.
Some sample reflection questions are below. I recommend you set aside 10-20 minutes per day to reflect on and answer each question (i.e. one question per day).
Read the question - aloud - to yourself 2 or 3 times, then let it sit with you in silence for a minute, then start writing.
Try and write as freely as possible, with few pauses - your answers will likely be more truthful if you don’t give your inner critic time to interject and protect itself.
For a 1-page downloadable PDF of these questions, click here.
What did my family teach me about being real, vulnerable, and true to myself?
Where do I feel out of integrity with myself? What are the current misalignments between my inner life and my outer life?
What is keeping me from feeling complete and whole?
What important feelings am I not letting into my awareness?
Where in my life am I not telling the full truth? Where in my life have I not kept my promises? Where do I keep my promises?
In my relationship with _____________________, what am I not saying? What do I need to say or do to feel complete and whole?
What’s being said to me that I’m not hearing?
What parts of myself have I rejected? What is something I once loved, but have since abandoned?
What is the ‘me’ that I want people to see?
To whom am I proving myself? How do I seek validation and prove my worth as a human?
How have I been out of integrity and out of alignment in my work? How is my work out of alignment with my deepest values and desires? What do I love about my work?
What is the “old skin” in my life that I might be ready to shed (behaviours, ideas, thought processes, etc.)?
If all of my outer trappings - my company, my achievements, my family, my relationships, my belongings – were taken away, who, or what, is left? Who am I without all of those things? Who is the person who is here now?
Finally, perhaps the most important question to ask yourself (over and over): Where am I choosing comfort over courage? And… what would choosing courage look like?
These questions are of course just a starting point. Truthful answers to each can be painful, but they are an invitation to stop bullshitting yourself and to start living a life of integrity.
Free-Journaling
Unlike the prompt-guided writing and reflection mentioned above, free-journaling - writing down whatever is coming to mind, without pause - is an amazing way to access your subconscious. When we’re feeling stuck and lacking clarity and/or direction, our subconscious can be an important tool in showing the way forward.
Most of the time our subconscious remains opaque to us, hidden in the distraction of our busy lives. Journaling has been for me a fantastic tool for reducing that opacity and accessing internal wisdom that guides me back to authenticity.
I use journaling in two ways:
Morning writing: at least once or twice a week I’ll spend 15-20 minutes just freehand writing about whatever is on my mind at that moment (there are other aspects of my morning routine - such as meditation - that I’m consistent with, but journaling is something I’m OK being occasional about).
I generally try to write continuously: continuous freeflow writing tends to provide a more direct link to my inner realms, whereas pausing, as with the self-reflection questions above, gives my inner critic an opportunity to take over and my link to my subconscious can get severed.Dream journaling: Often, after a particularly vivid dream, I’ll grab my phone, open my Notes app (I have a ‘Dreams’ folder set up where I store these notes), and dictate my dream into the app. Because my dreams speak to me in often cryptic and allegorical language, I generally don’t try to interpret my dreams (I’m not sure that’s a particularly useful or feasible strategy as it’s open to gross misinterpretation).
My morning writing and dream journaling don’t tend to give me obvious, direct clues for living a more authentic life; they’re more subtle than that, more like a few scattered breadcrumbs leading me back to myself rather than a clear path through the woods.
They’re also an important message to my subconscious, saying ‘Yes, I hear you and I value what you’re trying to tell me. Let’s keep the lines of communication open.’ When I record my dreams regularly, I find that I tend to have more vivid and more frequent dreams (or at least more vivid and more frequent memories of them).
Meditation and Awareness
One of my most consistent habits - and most powerful tools - for connecting with myself is meditation. Almost every day, I meditate for at least 15 minutes.
Meditation provides me with two powerful benefits:
Present-moment awareness: my goal with meditation is not to calm my mind, it’s to be as present as possible to what’s coming up, moment-by-moment. So, rather than being constantly reactive - often without any real level of awareness - to my emotions and thoughts, meditation allows me the space to observe my emotions and thoughts without judgement, reaction, or action.
It also allows me to tune into what’s happening in my body, which has been a powerful source of wisdom. More on that below.Stillness: Making time and space for stillness creates more opportunities for my subconscious (or my soul, if you want to get spiritual about it) to speak to me and give me valuable clues about how to live my life. In our hectic lifestyles, it can become all too easy to not stop for even a moment and question whether the life we’re living is the life we want to live. Meditation is the counter to that danger.
As the saying goes, “If you’re going to climb the ladder of success, make sure it’s leaning on the right building.” Meditation and stillness help you assess whether you’re leaning on the right building.
There are many ways to meditate, so I won’t say much about technique other than to say that if you’ve never meditated, you will find value in using an app and guided meditations to start. Those who are new to meditation, or those with an overly busy or troubled mind, often find it difficult to meditate in silence.
Personally, I use a variety of techniques - including silence, focusing on my breath, playing ambient music, and guided meditations. When I use guided meditations I usually will use the Insight Timer app, which is loaded with thousands of free meditations.
Embodiment Work
Over the past two years, I’ve spent a lot of time exploring what is happening in my body (otherwise known as embodiment work). Previously, I simply treated my body as a life-support system for my brain, and virtually my entire experience of reality took place between my ears.
Through various practices, and with the help of a skilled guide, I’ve learned to tune in to the subtle signals and quiet wisdom of my body. What this looks like in practice is either:
a) noticing when an emotion arises (either positive or negative) and then pausing to notice what is happening in my body and which physical sensations arise. This is particularly useful with difficult emotions: rather than getting trapped in a repeating loop of negative thoughts and dire scenarios, allowing my body to fully feel and express the emotion often releases its hold on me.
b) taking time, when faced with a decision, to notice how my body responds to the various options before me. I’ll think about an option then tune in to what is happening in my body, then repeat the process for other options. Often, I’ll notice a tightness in my body when considering one option, and a lightness or expansiveness when considering another. Over time, I’ve learned to trust these signals and they have become a powerful tool for decision-making: when I feel that lightness I trust that the decision is aligned with my deepest self, values, and desires.
Therapy (including Psychedelic Therapy)
Working with a skilled psychotherapist is of course a powerful way to gain insight into yourself and move towards a life of greater authenticity and alignment. I’m a big believer in therapy and it’s provided me with tremendous value (a therapist I saw in my early 30s more or less saved my life).
For me, psychotherapy provides two benefits: a) understanding why I’m the way I am and how my history has shaped me, and b) understanding how I can escape the shackles of history and live a life that is more uniquely my own.
Many therapists can get too focused on the former, making it possible to spend years mired in the muck of your past, without any clear guidance on how to take action in the present to live a better life. Mining the past is valuable, but I believe it’s important to work with a therapist who is also very action-oriented and who will hold you accountable to taking action and making decisions.
I’ve also found that talk therapy can only take me so far; for the last two years, adding a component of embodiment - going deep into my bodily sensations and visualizations - has been an important next step in my personal therapeutic journey.
Over the last few years, I’ve also gotten tremendous value from psychedelic therapy, in the care of skilled guides and therapists. This is a burgeoning and promising field of therapy that will revolutionize mental healthcare. For many people, a single session can help clear blocks that have kept them stuck for years or decades.
The key, IMHO, is in working with a therapist who takes preparation (what you do before the session to prepare) and integration (what you do after in order to integrate the session insights into your daily life) seriously.
For a directory of psychedelic therapists, check out the Psychedelic Support Network.
Action
All of the above strategies are vital aspects of reconnecting to ourselves, yet without action, we can remain mired in disconnection.
Perhaps the most effective way to reconnect with ourselves is through authenticity-based actions: using our insights about ourselves and the ways we have disconnected from ourselves to inspire actions that will move us toward reconnection.
Finally admitting to ourselves, for instance, that we are disconnected from our work is a powerful step in the journey, but we can remain stuck for years in a place where we know our work doesn’t reflect our values and desires… but are still tied to that work.
The key then is action: moving towards our desired future.
In working with people who are in a situation that demands a major life change - a change in career, a social circle that no longer feeds them, an intimate relationship they have outgrown - overwhelm is generally the dominant emotion. The seeming magnitude of the change they need to make feels completely paralyzing.
The key to escaping this paralysis? Small actions that don’t feel overwhelming.
If you feel stuck in a stifling career, in a field you’ve come to hate (or running a company you’re no longer aligned with), it can feel overwhelming to ponder a career change. And it is. So rather than quitting their job or selling their company - which can feel monumental - I counsel people to ask what the smallest step they can take is.
In the career example, it might be committing to having one coffee a week with someone whom they admire, someone who seems to be deeply aligned with their work. For most people that feels fairly easy, achievable, and even enjoyable. Thus the internal resistance to actually doing it will be low.
During that coffee, they could simply ask the other person to share their story and how they started out on the path they’re on. This may give them clues as to where to start, or inspiration and motivation to make additional steps. Or it could result in connections that lead somewhere interesting.
The first tiny steps on the path are like the proverbial snowball at the top of the hill, slowly moving downhill. Each step provides the momentum for an additional step, helping you build confidence to take bolder and more courageous steps.
Outside of the big themes of work and relationships, one of the most powerful actions one can take in moving towards a more self-connected life is to simply ask which parts of ourselves we have abandoned in our journey through adulthood, and then commit to one small action to reconnect with that lost part of ourselves.
For me, one action I have taken recently is to reconnect with my love of music. I used to be a professional musician in my early 30s, but when I had children I decided to leave my music career behind to focus on my business and my family.
Now that my 3 kids are older and my business is well-established, I have more time and space and I am using small amounts of it to reconnect with my love of playing music. At the moment, I’m to 15 minutes of practice per day to learn how to play the drums (in service of my goal of becoming a drummer in a funk band!).
This is a deeply enjoyable process and it inspires me to make similar commitments in other areas of my life.
Reconnecting to Self Need Not be a Solitary Process
Note that while this is a deeply personal process, it need not be a solitary process. I’ve received incredible benefit from pursuing self-reconnection in the context of a supportive community and supportive group of friends, who also provide me with accountability. Some examples:
A book club focused on personal growth: occasionally before or after one of my Wayfinders events, I’ll suggest a book to the group and we’ll read the book together, chapter by chapter, posting our thoughts, reflections and takeaways in a group chat. I always get more out of books when I read them simultaneously with a thoughtful group.
Meditation challenges on WhatsApp: I’ve now completed 5 separate 21-day meditation challenges via WhatsApp groups that friends (and in one case, I) have set up. Each day they post a new 15-minute meditation from Deepak Chopra’s 21-day meditation series, and I listen to the meditation and post ‘Day XX done’ in the chat. It’s a wonderfully connecting experience as well as an important accountability container.
Group psychedelic therapy: Over the past few years, I’ve gotten tremendous benefits from participating in psychedelic therapy with a variety of medicines. Although most of these journeys have been one-on-one sessions with my guides, I have twice participated in guided group sessions. While I still prefer the intimacy of a one-on-one experience, the benefit of doing this work in a group is that you have other people to share your experience with, who understand the profound experience you’ve been through and can help you integrate and make sense of what you’ve gone through.
(NOTE: if you’ve never done any kind of psychedelic therapy, I don’t recommend starting with a group experience. Better to start with a qualified and experienced guide/therapist in a one-on-one setting so you can get the intimate care and support you need)
What these experiences have in common is a solitary process combined with group integration and discussion: we read a book or meditate or journey on our own, and then we come together to discuss, share and integrate what we have learned.
We also get the benefit of having other people’s feedback and hearing their own stories, which often spurs deeper and greater insight into ourselves. And, finally, it’s a wonderful way to connect with other human beings walking the same journey.
Stay committed to reconnection
I hope that I have, through my writings and in some small but meaningful way, convinced you of the need to reconnect with yourself.
The prize for staying committed to this journey of self-discovery is a much more rewarding and fulfilling life - one that feels deeply our own; the cost of not doing so is an accumulation of regret and the growing sense that we are not living the life we are meant to live.
Find the companions for your journey and stay true to it, to them, and to yourself.
Yours in solidarity and connection,
Mike Brcic,
Founder/Chief Explorer,
Wayfinders
p.s. comments are below (and encouraged)
NOTE: This is the 3rd in a mini-series of articles I’m writing about restoring connection, including practical steps you can take to restore connection in your own life. Subscribe for free if you’d like to get notified about the remaining articles in the series as well as my future writing about restoring connection in our disconnected world.
p.s. I’m heading back to Uganda in May 2023, where we’ll be exploring the theme of connection on many levels. If restoring connection feels important to you, take a look at the link above.
At Wayfinders events we spend time in deep connection with each other, fostering and nurturing bonds that sustain a rich and ongoing community.
We spend time in silence and stillness and in beautiful places, restoring our connections to ourselves and to the natural world.
We do the work of restoring connection in ourselves and in so doing, we start walking the collective path back toward connection.
If that’s not in the cards, I urge you to take a few small steps this week towards restoring connection: make time for stillness; make time for connecting with friends and loved ones; spend time in wild places; contemplate the mysteries of existence.